


Phil Coulson's Really Big Mess

by resplendeo



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Attempted Murder, Canon-Typical Violence, Drowning, GFY, Gen, I Believe in Jasper Sitwell, Jasper Sitwell's Pottymouth, Kidnapping, Mutant Hate, Ridiculous Cars, Sharing Body Heat, Swearing, complaining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 06:23:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2762939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/resplendeo/pseuds/resplendeo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jasper Sitwell is not the biggest fan of having to chase after Phil Coulson when the man gets a new idea. Things tend to go wrong, and Jasper's never really been able to get his head around how ridiculous Phil can be sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phil Coulson's Really Big Mess

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dazzledfirestar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dazzledfirestar/gifts).



> For the Lump of Coul 2k14. Mission fic with Phil Coulson & Jasper Sitwell friendship really bit me, for some reason.

Jasper Sitwell hated everything. He hated the water that had splashed up on him in his hiding place, he hated the crappy-looking sedan waiting across and down the street, he hated the cold, and most of all he hated watching Phil Coulson pretend to be a scared little accountant while surrounded by about a dozen heavily-armed fuckers.

Yeah, Phil was good at it, but Jasper was usually the one infiltrating like this. Watching and waiting half-convinced that the whole thing was a breath away from violence – that sucked immensely.

It wasn't like these assholes were some legendary villainous organization, or anything like that. They were a small group of criminals that had been slowly growing in numbers and escalating levels of violence – nothing that would catch SHIELD's attention – until, of course, they somehow got their hands on something weird. Specifically, they had started bragging to all and sundry that they'd somehow found and kidnapped someone with incredible powers.

SHIELD tended to be the ones who had to deal with the really weird shit in the world.

Phil and Jasper didn't know what kind of powers the poor fuck had, but those powers were probably the reason the person had been grabbed and forced to work for these assholes. They didn't know powers, they didn't know who this person was, they knew almost nothing past "these assholes seem to have been bragging about keeping a mutant captive and seem to be using that person for terrible, terrible things". Jasper was probably going to file about a dozen complaints on the people in charge of gathering intelligence for this op.

So Phil Coulson had gone in with his little bland face and his unobtrusive suit and walk, and portrayed the kind of nervous, corrupt government official he and Jasper had thought would work for this. The two of them had spent hours holed up planning the whole thing, possible exits and plans of attack, trying to keep the grease from the fast food off the notes they'd been putting together while they ate and planned.

What the pair of them had _not_ expected was for one of the fuckers to take one look at Phil, yell "Holy fuck it's SHIELD!", and him and his friends pile on Phil before the man could even draw his weapon.

Jasper started swearing. Quietly.

Phil fought to get up off the ground and out from under about six of them, and he managed it, but his movements looked weak and uncertain – had they managed to crack his head really hard against the pavement? Did Phil have a head wound or something, this wasn't how he normally moved and fought, he was really _good_ at fighting, he had to be really hurt if he was moving like that -

That _shithead_.

Phil was fucking _pretending_. He was making the sign for "new plan". Fuck his new plan, this was ridiculous. That shithead was planning to let himself get captured, probably to see if he could find the person these assholes were probably keeping in a basement somewhere.

Thing was, Phil had been _recognized_. As _SHIELD_. These assholes weren't going to buy his meek fucking accountant act. They recognized him as SHIELD.

Jasper's thoughts might have been getting repetitive with worry.

Mostly, he was hoping that these assholes had only connected Phil to a tiny op somewhere or caught his face in a picture somewhere. Because if they connected the man to Phil Coulson, high-level agent? If Phil had done something that these assholes wanted to take revenge for, or something?

Ugh, this was going to suck.

Jasper stayed hidden in his extremely cold, extremely uncomfortable hiding spot half-submerged in the goddamn frozen water, and waited as Phil got handcuffed and thrown into the back of a red – was that a fucking Prius.

What the hell. Why on earth would anyone look at a bright red Prius with a goddamn hatchback and decide "You know what? This car would be an excellent choice for the various criminal and illegal acts I'm likely to commit in the near future."? Just. _Why._

Oh look, they put a black bag over Phil's head. Probably to stop him from commenting on the red Prius he was being stuffed into the back of.

Jasper couldn't wait to hear these fuckers' justifications for doing this in a fucking _Prius_.

…

Jasper Sitwell had been trained for, and had long experience with, tailing people in cars. It was one of the first things he'd learned. There was the one time following a particular taxi cab in a city full of them with no help when Phil had -

Following a bright red Prius _with a vanity plate_ in a small city was not exactly difficult, was what he was saying. Following a bright red Prius and staying unnoticed was slightly more challenging, considering he was a short angry man in a wetsuit, but he'd been weirder and still gone under the radar.

Literally, that one time.

Basically the only difficult thing was navigating all this traffic without giving in to a murderous rage. Which, to be fair, was fairly standard for him.

What was _not standard_ was the way the assholes in the red Prius turned onto a _residential street_ and _parked_. Jasper had to pass them. He kept an eye on them in the mirror, and – were these assholes going to put Phil in the basement of one of their _houses_? Ugh. Really? Such bullshit.

So Jasper drove and found a place to stash the crappy-looking SHIELD sedan (hopefully it wouldn't be disturbed – the defenses on the crappy-looking SHIELD sedan could be lethal if pushed), grabbed the backpack with the fun equipment, and walked calmly to check out the house the red Prius had visited.

Still in the wetsuit.

It may not have been the best thing to keep on, sure, but Jasper didn't actually want to waste any damn time – Phil could be in trouble. (Phil was always in trouble.) Besides, he had bullet-proof armor strapped all over the wetsuit, it should be fine.

Apparently they had backed the Prius up into the driveway, and were now hauling an abnormally large suitcase up the front steps of the porch. They were banging it around an awful lot. Phil was probably in there.

What a dumbass plan.

Jasper waited for everyone to go inside before he broke into the goddamned Prius.

There wasn't much in there besides some chains and padlocks. Someone's mp3 player left in the passenger seat – registration in the glove box with "David Curtis" on it. The back of the car, the part with the hatchback, was empty – except for Phil's phone, wedged mostly out of sight in a crack.

Jasper worked it out of the crack, woke it up, and yep: Phil had made detailed notes. Blindfolded, arms handcuffed behind him, in the back of a kidnapper's car. Everything was thorough and even _spelled correctly_ , the ridiculous fucker.

Did this man write all his messages like he wrote his reports? He could copy this into the _actual report_ on this op. Looked like this would probably be a while, though – oh, they were going to transfer Phil into a different car, probably a Chevrolet.

Jasper gave in to the urge to mutter "Phil. How do you even _know_ this."

The explosion really shouldn't have been a surprise at that point.

…

When his ears stopped ringing, Jasper noticed the sound of a door slamming to the side of the house, and he caught a brief glimpse of a dark grey sedan (yep, a Chevy) tearing across the front yard and over to the street, where it raced away.

That was when he noticed that Phil's phone was beeping at him.

Seriously? Phil had planted a goddamn tracker on himself and left his phone behind so Jasper could follow?

The man was _ridiculous_. Helpful, but ridiculous.

Jasper pulled up the map, and stared. How the hell had Phil managed to to replace the little red dot that normally represented the tracker with something else? It was a little balding-and-sunglasses-wearing smiley face. It was Phil! In emoticon format! He had to have had it done custom – Right, go track the bastard down.

Jasper ran to the crappy-looking SHIELD sedan.

…

The new car was harder to find, with the head start, so the tracker was helpful.

Even though it meant that Jasper had to stare at Phil's emoticon-face the whole time. It was smiling at him, and it was starting to freak him out. The last time Phil had smiled like that from behind his sunglasses – well, his mouth had been bloody, and his grin had been directed towards the man behind Jasper, who had been holding Jasper hostage at the time – it was just slightly unsettling, all right?

Finally, the damned thing stayed in place for more than about thirty seconds, and Jasper finally caught up.

Docks. Warehouses. How many movies had these assholes been _watching_? "Ugh."

That, of course, was when the assholes saw Jasper and immediately started shooting at him. Because why not.

Sure, the crappy-looking SHIELD sedan was bullet-proof. Phil, however, was not. Jasper should probably do end this before this dumbass plan of Phil's got the shithead shot.

It was at that point that Jasper saw a pair of large, muscular men with guns dragging a chained-up, still-blindfolded Phil Coulson to the edge of the dock. There was a ridiculous number of cinderblocks chained to his ankles.

"Shit." Jasper started taking the assholes down faster.

Oh look, Phil was now fighting them for real. Of course he waited until they were actually sending him to drown weighted down at a fucking freezing damn river. Goddammit, Phil.

Jasper was going to file a complaint, he really was. His usual tactic of asking Phil for help with paperwork probably wouldn't work on this, though.

He could ask May?

They were almost at the end of the dock when Jasper finally had a clear path to them. He shot one of the men dragging Phil in the back, and that man fell onto the dock and bled there as the other dragged Phil over to the edge.

"Don't you fucking dare," Jasper ordered him.

The asshole just grinned at him. And pushed Phil in.

Jasper shot him.

Phil splashed down into the frigid water.

…

Jasper dropped everything on the dock, twisted quickly to make sure that no one else was alive to come after him and start shooting again – nope, everyone's dead, rescue Phil.

Again.

Phil, of course, wasn't wearing a wetsuit. Jasper dove, and kept his eyes open in the filthy river water. He dove further down, and saw Phil below him.

Phil was struggling against the chains, and making slight progress in a lopsided direction, due to still being blindfolded and unable to see where the surface was. Phil's movements were slowing down a little as Jasper came down to him.

Jasper finally grabbed his shoulder, and Phil visibly startled, precious air escaping the bag over his head. Jasper grabbed it off, and started pulling him to the surface. Phil helped, but Jasper could see he was getting exhausted struggling against the weight dragging him down.

They were almost at the surface, and Jasper's lungs were burning. It had to be worse for Phil, who had gone in before him, and oh god, had Phil taken the biggest breath he could before he hit the water?

Phil's movements weren't getting him much distance, and Jasper was now carrying most of the weight.

They breached the surface, and Jasper dragged in a huge gasp of air as he pulled Phil's head out of the water and held it there so he could suck in some goddamned air himself.

Jasper towed Phil to the dock, which took a much longer time than it felt like it should have, and involved Phil getting his head underwater at least three times. Jasper might have panicked a little about that.

Okay, a lot.

Finally, finally, they were at the dock. Jasper grabbed at the wood – and his hand slipped off and plunged them back into the river – and in the shock of the impact lost his grasp on Phil.

Jasper dove frantically at Phil, who was now underwater and looking up shocked at Jasper and air was bubbling up -

Jasper grabbed Phil by the handcuffs. It probably hurt Phil like hell, but it was a convenient handle, and like fuck was Jasper going to ignore that when his priority was _getting Phil out of the water_ , and he heaved Phil up onto the dock before climbing up himself.

Jasper did a quick visual check of the surroundings: nope, no one there, thank god.

Phil was lying wet and cold and pale on the dock, coughing out water. He was an alarming pale bluish-white color.

"Bolt cutters, bolt cutters," Jasper muttered, hauling Phil to the sedan. He put Phil on the backseat and covered him with the emergency blanket that lived in the footwell there.

Nope, no boltcutters in the sedan.

He was going to file so many complaints.

…

As it turned out, people tended to give strange looks to a short, angry man in a wetsuit. More so when he stalked into a hardware store and grabbed a pair of boltcutters. Even more when he peeled a sopping wet hundred dollar bill out of his wallet (goddamn waterproof wallet that _stopped working_ ) and yelled that he didn't need change on his way out.

…

When SHIELD medics showed up to treat Agents Phil Coulson and Jasper Sitwell, they noted the following:

1\. The agents in question were naked and under a large number of blankets in the backseat of a standard-issue SHIELD sedan.

2\. There were broken chains and intact cinderblocks in the footwells of the sedan, along with a cheap pair of bolt cutters.

3\. Agent Jasper Sitwell was badgering Agent Phil Coulson about several issues. Among them: ordering a custom-made emoticon for tracking purposes, several finer points on the art of paperwork, and an in-depth argument regarding the "completely terrible" red Prius they had apparently seen that day.


End file.
